Okay, I’ll come clean. *sigh*
It’s not common to point attention to oneself in this manner, but the subject has been brought up by so many of my acquaintances lately, that I feel I must address it directly.
Yes, here it is – I have lost weight.
No, I haven’t been going to Weight Watchers, doing a cleanse, or following any of the Paleo/raw foods/grapefruit-and-cigarettes diets. But pounds have indeed been shed from my frame. I eat ice cream straight from the container, put half-and-half in my coffee, eat full meals late at night, and have chocolate every day. And still, I shrink.
I can tell you how I’ve done it, as I’ve analyzed the process into three steps. I call it The Accidental Weight Loss Plan.
Step 1: Go batshit crazy for a few months. This may mess up your life for a bit and inconvenience everyone around you, while possibly scarring your children for life. If you want to do it my way, you should get yourself some poor psychiatric care and take all sorts of medications that disturb your sleep, nauseate you and make you cry a lot. Trust me, being crazy will really rev up your metabolism. Soon, you’ll see those pounds start to melt away!
Now that you’ve got some momentum, you need to move on to Step 2, which is to stop being so batshit crazy. Find a great doctor who gives you back your sanity. Get better. Then, with all the excess energy you feel from not crying constantly, buy several Gillian Michaels dvd’s and learn to love the pain of a good workout. After a few weeks at Step 2, you may have reached your wedding weight. But don’t stop there! Keep going, on to…
Step 3. This is the real clincher. Keep up with the workouts and let the side effects of the new medication you’re on really kick in. If you’re like me, one of those those side effects will be indifference to food. You will regularly forget to eat until you’re out in public and your stomach growls so audibly that people look in your direction. Instead of hanging around the pantry all day, trying to get your next carb fix, you’ll be busy doing the things that your life demands, and then suddenly look up at 2:00 pm and realize you haven’t had a thing since your morning coffee. Behold, you may now weigh less than you did at your high school graduation. Congratulations!
It’s really true! Finally, a diet plan so accidental it’s not like following steps – it’s like falling down them!
(Disclaimer: If you get as far as Step 1 in my plan, you’ll realize this is a lousy way to lose weight. Don’t follow this plan if you can avoid it.)